CHAPTER SEVEN - Death and Mourning: End of Life Questions

THE JEWISH LIFE CYCLE
By Steve Israel

C: Educational Activities

33. To Say or Not to Say
(An hour to an hour and a half)

The aim of this activity is to enter more deeply into questions of Kaddish and Yizkor, and to explore some of the stereotypes and misconceptions associated with both.

The opening question to the members of the group is what they understand or know about the Yizkor service.

When all the participants have pooled their ideas, the information should be clarified; ask if they stay in or go out when the service is held.

On the assumption that there are at least some who go out during the service, ask why.

• Ask how they feel when they leave.
• Are there any who would prefer to stay?
• If, by chance all of the group choose to stay in for Yizkor, ask them if they know others who don’t. Ask why.

At this point, raise the reasons that many young people whose parents are still alive, and who are not saying Kaddish, are urged to leave during the Yizkor.

Following this, it is possible to examine what the Yizkor actually is, stressing the fact that it began as a memorial service for martyrs in the Middle Ages, was extended to incorporate personal remembrance of for all mourners - and more recently has developed once again into a communal remembrance for many different types of Jews (Holocaust victims, Israel’s war dead and terror victims, Jewish martyrs throughout history etc.)

The participants should be divided into two groups or two sets of small groups (if there are more than 10 or 12 present).

• One set have to come up with compelling reasons why young people who have no need to say Kaddish should absent themselves from Yizkor.
• The other group should come up with reasons why people should stay in for Yizkor, rather than go out.

In "role", sticking to these positions, begin a group discussion, bringing in the positions from both sides and encouraging the maximum number of participants to speak. After about ten to fifteen minutes, the participants may break out of roles and state their own feelings.

The second part of the activity brings in a different, but related subject: The group is asked to address the prayer is at the centre of both regular mourning practices and the Yizkor service [the Kaddish].

• Ask the group what the meaning of the Kaddish is?
• What do they think that it actually says. Put the answers up on the board.

Now hand out a copy of the text:

May His great name be exalted and sanctified in the world that He created according to His will. May He establish His sovereignty, during your life, your days and during the life of the whole House of Israel, speedily and soon; and let us say, Amen.

May His great name be praised, forever and throughout eternity.

May the name of the Holy One, blessed be He, be blessed and praised, celebrated and exalted, adulated and honoured, glorified and exalted, above all blessings, songs, praises and condolences that are said in the world; and let us say Amen.

May there be great peace from Heaven, and life for us and for all Israel; and let us say, Amen.

May He who brings peace in His high places, grant peace to us and to all the people Israel; and let us say, Amen.
Prayerbook

Examine what it actually says.
[Hint: Exaltation and praise of G-d; His sovereignty; our agreement; Peace]

The following questions are designed to broaden the discussion:

• What does it mean, if this is the central mourning and memorial prayer and it does not actually mention death?
• Why the Kaddish is considered so important for mourners (traditionally males) top say?
• Mention the ideas of the importance of “having a Kaddish” i.e. a person who could say the Kaddish after one's death and of saving a person from hell by the saying of Kaddish, from the Rabbi Akiva story. If we don’t believe this, are there any other reasons that we might feel that it is important to say it?

Read together the following letter from Henrietta Szold, after explaining the background to the piece:

It is impossible for me to find words in which to tell you how deeply I was touched by your offer to act as “Kaddish” for my dear mother… You will wonder, then, that I cannot accept your offer… I know well and appreciate what you say about the Jewish custom and Jewish custom is very dear and sacred to me. And yet I cannot ask you to say the Kaddish after my mother. The Kaddish means to me that the survivor publicly and markedly manifests his wish and intention to assume the relation to the Jewish community which his parent had so that the chain of tradition remains unbroken from generation to generation, each adding its own link. You can do that for the generations of your family. I must do that for the generations of my family.

I believe that the elimination of women from such duties was never intended by our law and custom – women were freed from positive duties when they could not perform them, but not when they could. It was never intended that, if they could perform them, their performance of them should not be considered a valuable as when one of the male sex performed them. And of the Kaddish I feel sure that this is particularly true.
Henrietta Szold: Letter to Chayim Peretz,
September 16, 1916

Participants should now respond individually, by writing a response letter to Henrietta Szold.

Afterwards, in a circle, they should share some of the responses.

• Review: What are the underlying ideas in their responses?