CHAPTER SEVEN - Death and Mourning: End of Life Questions

A: BACKGROUND

14. Continuing Mourning: The Later Stages

After the shiva, the mourning period continues: but it enters a different,, somewhat lighter, phase, in the sense that it is more integrated into the fabric of daily life: restrictions on the mourner exist, but they take place within a more advanced phase of reintegration into the wider world.

The first part of this phase is the (shloshim), the thirty day period of mourning. The rules and guidelines here are specific to the period following the shiva. However, it is worth pointing out that the shloshim is counted from the time of burial, and thus specifically includes the period of shiva.

• In the shloshim a person can return to work, and re-enter many of the “normal” aspects of everyday life.
• However, parties, weddings and other celebrations are not attended; neither are places of entertainment; instrumental music should neither be listened to nor played by a mourner.
• The tradition is that mourners do not shave or cut their hair during the shloshim (unless required or advised to do so for reasons of appearance), but increasingly this tradition has dropped away in large parts of the Jewish world which nevertheless continues to observe the other restrictions of the period of the shloshim.
• Kaddish is said by all mourners throughout this period.

At the end of the shloshim, the mourning period is considered over for all, except those who are mourning for parents.

For them the mourning period is extended for a full year, with all the above restrictions being extended for the full period, with the exception of the Kaddish, which is recited only for eleven months. The reason for the shortening of the Kaddish to eleven months is connected with the belief previously mentioned, that one of the functions of the Kaddish is to save the deceased from the torments of hell. There is a belief in the tradition that even the evil are punished for only twelve months. Thus, in order to avoid aspersions regarding the dead parent, that they were among the evil doomed to twelve months of suffering, it was decided to limit the Kaddish to eleven months.

It is perhaps surprising that the mourning period for a parent is a full year, while the mourning period for a child, which many would consider more painful by far, is only one month.

One explanation for this may be the suggestion that in former times the death of children was very common: the expectation was that not all children would survive their parents. Indeed, several might die very young. In addition, the number of children was often very large. In these circumstances, if mourning for a child was extended to the full year, a person might spend many years of life in active, ritualised mourning.

In Judaism, a person will only be in this state of active mourning for a full year, twice in his or her life.

The observant mourner will make the attempt to go throughout the mourning period twice daily, to a synagogue, to say the daily prayers. The Kaddish, unlike many other prayers, requires a minyan, as stated. This creates a particularly interesting situation whereby mourners tend to find themselves in the regular company of other mourners, who form the bulk of the congregants in many modern synagogues. A community of mourners is thus created, even among people who have little in common aside from the bond of common mourning.

This idea of a community of mourners – strange, perhaps, at first glance – has been much commented on by those who have passed through the experience. Invariably, those who have talked about it have referred to the experience as comforting, almost therapeutic. The connections between the participants are described as close and intimate; however, there is usually only a little small-talk between the members of this fraternity - they have little time: they have to start their day, or to close it. In order to do that, to clear the space for a day of normal living, they have come together at set and frequent intervals, so that they can do what they feel needs to be done. They are therefore a community, not in the sense of being close friends, but in purpose, dedicated to and engaged in a common task has touched each of them profoundly. Indeed, the need for discussion of their purpose (or agenda) is minimal: it is ongoing, permanent, understood by all. It is a community of deep connection, far beyond the task-oriented group.