CHAPTER SIX - The Aging Process: Late Life Questions

A: BACKGROUND

11. What can be done?
2.) Family

The other major support structure that can confer dignity for the elderly is the family.

There is no question that a truly supportive family can make the difference between a dignified and respected old age and the opposite extreme. Here, the tradition has a lot to offer: the commandment to honour one’s parents is made more specific in a number of other Biblical laws.

Rabbinic society enshrined in the Talmud gives us many details of Sages who understood the commandment in the most extreme fashion and went to very great lengths to ensure that their parents were respected.
One of many of whom such stories were told was the great second century Sage, Rabbi Tarphon.

It happened that R. Tarphon’s mother went forth on the Sabbath for a walk in her courtyard. When her sandal split, R. Tarphon held his hands under the soles of her feet and she walked on his hands until she came to her couch… Whenever she wished to go up to her couch, he would bend down to let her get up [by stepping on him]…
Babylonian Talmud, Kiddushin 31b

Similarly, the moral and homiletic literature is full of references to this commandment.
For example, the following idea can be found in the same portion of Talmud:

Our masters taught that there are three partners in a person, the Holy One, a person’s father and mother. When a man honours his father and mother, the Holy One says “ I count it [to his credit] as though I were dwelling among them and they were honouring Me”.

Another idea was put forward by Rabbi Shimon bar Yochai:

R. Shimon said: Great is the duty of honouring one’s father and mother, since the Holy One set the honour due to them above the duty due to Himself. For concerning the honour due to the Holy One it is written “Honour the Lord with your wealth” (Proverbs 3:9). How is one to honour G-d with one’s wealth? One sets aside gleanings, forgotten sheaves and the corners of one’s field: One gives offerings and tithes: One makes a lulav, a sukkah , a shofar, tefillin and tzitziot: One feeds the hungry, gives drink to the thirsty and clothes the naked. In short, if you have wealth, you are obligated to do all these things but if you have no wealth, you are not obligated to do even one of them. When it comes to honouring father and mother, however, whether you have wealth or not, what does it say? Honour your father and mother”, even if you have to go begging in doorways.
Pesikta Rabati 23

All these ideas show very clearly how seriously the Sages took the obligation towards one's parents.

Maimonides brought together the various traditions in his great legal work the Mishneh Torah and summed up children’s obligations towards their parents in these words:

And how far must one go in their reverence? Even if he is dressed in precious clothes and is sitting in an honoured place before many people, and his parents come and tear his clothes, hitting him on the head and spitting in his face, he may not shame them, but he must rather keep silent.
Mishneh Torah: Mamrim 6:7

However, it is important to note that the tradition, while mandating the lengths towards children must go to honour their parents, also understood the potential psychological price to the children themselves. When this price was too high, measures had to be taken to excuse the children from the extreme demands of the tradition.

Maimonides continues:

If the mind of the father or mother is affected, the son should make every effort to indulge the vagaries of the stricken parent until G-d has mercy on the afflicted. But if the condition of the parent has grown worse and the son is no longer able to endure the strain, he may leave his father or mother, go elsewhere, and delegate to others to give the parents the proper care.
Mishneh Torah: Mamrim 6:10

We are also told that, if looking after the parents of one of the partners is putting undue strain on a marriage, this is considered an extenuating factor. The material responsibility should continue to be borne, but physical care may be passed over to a third party.

In other words, while Judaism takes its responsibilities towards the aged extremely seriously, it recognises that there are limits beyond which the carrying out of the commandment causes undue strain on an individual, or a couple, and is therefore unrealistic, or untenable.

This is not, however, meant to be interpreted as a carte blanche for absolving the individual of all but financial responsibility for her or his parents. The old age home, or its equivalent, is not supposed to be an automatic course for an aging parent.

Since one of the central ideas of the tradition is to respect and honour one’s parents, it is extremely important to recognise that it is wrong to place the elderly in humiliating and disempowering situations, unless there is absolutely no choice. If such a move is being considered, it should be into an environment that does not infantilise the older person, or transform them into an object - and it must be an extension of the children’s responsibility to honour and respect, which in itself can provide the difference between “Category A” types and “Category B”.