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 CHAPTER
FIVE:Those Who don’t Fit the Model: Family Situations and Status
in Judaism and the Jewish World
3B. The Threat of the Single Jew
For all these reasons, a negative ideological framework has developed
around the single person. He or she has been perceived variously as a
danger and threat, someone associated with loneliness and unhappiness,
national disappointment, through to betrayal of the Jewish People.
In the face of an ideology of such negative force and with such an appealing
counter-ideology beckoning towards the Jewish family, it is little wonder
that there have not been so many Jewish singles who have traditionally
sought to remain so, beyond the accepted age of marriage. Existing singles
were marginalised almost to the point of invisibility within the community.
Indeed, in some communities, single people were not allowed to hold official
membership in the Jewish community, and thus could not participate in
its communal life. Every attempt has been made to delegitimise them
and to discourage their existence.
This becomes extremely problematic in the contemporary Jewish community.
The mores of young people in the surrounding western community have,
to a very large extent, been taken on board as their own by many young
Jews. While it is true to say that the western world, on the whole, –
with the exception of small fairly marginal groups – has not embraced
a long-term ideology of the desirability of singlehood, this state nevertheless
incorporates a number of features that undermine the traditional Jewish
view.
One obvious example is that, for many young people in the western world,
the idea of moving directly at a young age from parental home to married
home is unthinkable and even unacceptable. The existence of an extended
intermediate period of late adolescence and early adulthood in an unmarried
state is almost universal in many parts of the West, facilitated by financial
independence and an ideology of social experimentation.
One attendant result that further complicates the picture is the reality
of several years of single life, where sexuality is considered a natural
and legitimate aspect of life in this unmarried state. This has been bolstered
by a more permissive society in terms of sexual mores, creating a world
of shorter and longer partnerships that might be viewed as further postponing
marriage.
Another aspect that has helped to undermine the traditional concept
of family is the ideology of romance explored in the previous chapter,
where we discussed its effect in terms of changes in how marriages are
contracted. Another effect needs to be mentioned in the context of singlehood:
the emphasis on romance with the attendant dream of “Mr. or Mrs.
Right” has undermined the idea of “marriage at any price”.
Singles today are thus much more discriminating in their choice of partner
than in previous eras. As a result, a lot more Jewish singles, too, are
likely to hold out and ultimately accept a life of singlehood, rather
than marry a less than suitable partner.
Moreover, an ideology of personal fulfillment through work has also
affected the picture.
This is true for both men and women, but especially true in terms of
the impact of the feminist movement on the self-image of the working and/or
educated woman, with the combinant move away from the traditional family
image of the woman who finds fulfillment in looking after the home and
family. Increasingly, over recent decades, women have come to expect more
out of life and many understand that the traditional family will not be
the picture of personal fulfillment to the extent it was idealised and
portrayed.
In addition, a more discriminating attitude towards prospective partners
has also changed expectations.
A very clear example of how these last trends interact with financial
independence to produce new horizons for women that effectively alter
perceptions of marriage is found in the excellent 1989 Hadassah anthology,
“Jewish Marital Status”, in the article entitled,
“Single by Choice” by Ruth Mason.
This is a fascinating portrait of a successful career woman, known in
the article as Julia, who heads up her own consulting business. Julia
is not ideologically opposed to marriage, rather, she simply saw too many
bad marriages, which could not provide suitable models, together with
too many cases where a woman was unable to express herself in the way
that was important for her. In a choice of remaining single or entering
a “bad marriage”, there was no question that the price paid
in the former status would be less than the price paid in an unfulfilling
marriage.
Here, perhaps, is the crux:
- In previous generations, marriage was so important economically and
socially, with life as a single Jew – especially, but not exclusively,
for a woman – such a difficult alternative, that the respective
prices of singlehood and a poor marriage were perceived very differently.
- In this contemporary environment, the outcome is therefore a situation
where there are numerically and proportionally more singles in the Jewish
world, including many – possibly the majority – for whom
marriage is still the desirable end, but not one that should
be sought at any price.
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