CHAPTER FOUR - The Question of Marriage

A: BACKGROUND

6. Judaism and the “L” Word – The Question of the Love Match

If both sources reflect the idea of partnership in companionship, love is an important theme that has been much discussed in Judaism down the ages.

Rabbi Joseph Hertz, the Chief Rabbi of the British Empire in the first half of the twentieth century, who wrote an important modern Orthodox commentary on the Torah, said the following, in commentary on the biblical verse that describes Isaac taking Rebecca as his wife, saying,

“And she became his wife and he loved her.” (Bereishit 24:67)

However important it is that love should precede marriage, it is far more important that it shall continue after marriage. The modern attitude [in the outside world] lays all the stress on the romance before marriage; the older Jewish view emphasises life-long devotion and affection after marriage.
Joseph Hertz, Commentary to the Torah

This opens up an important question: namely, the place of romance in the Jewish tradition. While it is well known that traditional Judaism believes in the arranged marriage that is arranged by the parents, often with the aid of an intermediary matchmaker, the question must be asked:
Does Judaism believe in the love-match?

In the traditional sources, both models exist:

Abraham sends his steward to his ancestral home in Aram Naharaim to seek out a match for Isaac from among his own family, but Jacob’s (long delayed) marriage with Rachel is a classic example of a love match. Both examples, however, share the fact that the father of the bride to be is the one with whom negotiations are carried out.
In other words, parental involvement is built into the Biblical model.

In the Jewish tradition, there are examples of pure romance, against the wishes of the parents: perhaps the classic example is the story of the marriage of Rabbi Akiva, who, as an illiterate shepherd, married the daughter of his employer against the latter’s clear wishes. Such a case is, however, clearly not the rule.

In many ways it could be said that, as far as Biblical prototypes are concerned, the marriage of Isaac and Rebecca is seen as the dominant model. Moreover, it is the only specific marriage to which there is reference in the traditional ceremony (the “baedecken” ceremony, also a reference to Jacob and Leah - about which more is said further on).

Arranged marriage was, indeed, the dominant model throughout the traditional Jewish world right up to modernity - and it continues to be the approved model in ultra-orthodox circles, as well as in the modern orthodox world, to a certain extent. This is at least partly related to the attempts by the Rabbis of the Talmud - and, more especially, of the post-Talmudic period - to increase communal controls over the institution of marriage; in order to do so, they reinforced the idea of arranged marriages.

In one respect, the dominant practice departed from the Isaac and Rebecca model in Bereishit 24, where the agreement was made without the two dramatis personae laying eyes on each other. They lived in different countries and the first time that Rebecca and Isaac saw each other was when Rebecca came to Canaan, in the entourage of Abraham’s servant.

However, the phrasing of the story leaves little doubt that Rebecca herself was a party to the agreement. It even sounds as though she herself initiated the negotiations between Abraham’s servant and her family.

Although practice today varies from community to community among those practicing arranged marriages, and indeed from family to family, on the whole, the potential partners are consulted before a decision is taken.

• In ideological terms, one of the factors that encouraged the development of arranged marriage was the previously mentioned belief that G-d destined marriages to happen between people. G-d, among other roles, is considered the marriage-broker supreme: ergo, the task of the parents or of the intermediary was to facilitate a match that G-d had already planned since, if it had been ordained, the marriage would be successful. The primary partners in the transaction were the agents (families, marriage-brokers) - under the guidance of G-d - and, if He approved, the transaction would work out.
• The arrangement of marriages by a third party is discussed in some detail in the Talmud. Only later, in the Middle Ages do we start to hear of the arrangement being done for payment.

Significantly, individuals who arranged marriages – the shadchanim – were esteemed members of the community, often Rabbis, who saw it as an important part of their communal responsibilities. Over time, however, the arranging of marriages fell to a much lower stratum in the Jewish community and professional shadchanim emerged for whom this provided a living. At this time, the profession became a butt of folk humour and a whole slew of stereotypes evolved, portraying the shadchan as a kind of a businessman-cum-con-man who would do anything to close a deal and to earn his commission.