CHAPTER FOUR - The Question of Marriage

A: BACKGROUND

5. What Sort of a Marriage Do We Want? The Traditional Jewish View

The primary place that marriage has in the Jewish tradition does not need to be infered indirectly from metaphorical texts; the Jewish textual tradition is full of praise for the status of marriage, which is considered the key to earthly contentment. Here are two examples - one more familiar, the other less so.

The less familiar example is found in the post-biblical book of Ben Sira, a philosophical and ethical work written by a Sage of Jerusalem in the second century B.C.E. His work can be found in the collection known as the Apocrypha. In the book of Ben Sira, presumably written for a male audience, we find many passages of praise for the state of marriage, mostly in the form of statements which praise a wife and encourage men to seek the happiness that only a good wife can bring:

Happy is the man who has a good wife.
The number of his days is doubled.
A noble wife gladdens her husband,
And he lives out his days in peace.
A good wife is good fortune:
She falls to the lot of those who fear the Lord…
The grace of a wife delights her husband,
And her knowledge fattens his bones…
A modest wife is blessing after blessing,
And a self-controlled spirit no scales can weigh.
Like the sun rising on the Lord’s loftiest heights,
Is the body of a good woman as she keeps her home in order…
A woman’s beauty gladdens one’s countenance,
And exceeds every desire that a man has.
If mercy and meekness are on her lips,
Her husband is not like the sons of men…
Where there is no wife, a man will wander about and groan…
Children or the building of a city perpetuate a man’s name,
But the irreproachable wife is counted better than both of them…
A friend and a comrade meet opportunely,
But a wife with her husband is better than both of them.
Ben Sira, 26,36,40

A second, more familiar, source is found in the last section of the Book of Proverbs. This is the famous passage – the woman of valour - traditionally sung by a husband to a wife on Friday night before the Shabbat meal. This is only an extract:

A woman of worth - who can find one: for her price is far above rubies.
The heart of her husband safely trusts in her and he shall have no lack of gain.
She will do him good and not evil, all the days of her life.
She seeks wool and flax and works willingly with her hands.
She is like the merchant ships, she brings her food from afar…
She examines a field and buys it; with the fruit of her hands she plants a vineyard…
She sees that her merchandise is good: her candle does not go out at night.
She puts her hand to the staff of flax, while her palms hold the spindle.
She stretches her hand out to the poor, she reaches out her hand to the needy…
She makes garments and sells them, and brings clothes to the merchant…
She opens her mouth with wisdom and on her tongue is a Torah of lovingkindness.
Looks are deceitful and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord shall be praised…
Proverbs, 31

These two texts are good representations of the view of the ideal marriage from the point of view of the Jewish tradition - which, by the nature of things, represents a male standpoint. The fact that traditional perspective is essentially and exclusively male might be unfortunate and might provide an imbalance that needs to be addressed. Nevertheless, this is the view of tradition and those who framed the culture's attitudes - while the ceremonies and rituals are represented by this view.

What emerges from these two texts?

• Firstly, it is clear that marriage is desirable. As Ben Sira wrote,
  “Where there is no wife, a man will wander about and groan”.
  That we have already seen…
• As far as the character of the marriage is concerned it is clear that the wife is viewed essentially in a domestic capacity.

However, the two sources understand this domestic role in very different ways:

• Ben Sira tends to see her in a fairly passive role – deserving of great respect but essentially traditional in her domestic responsibilities.
• In Proverbs, by contrast, the ideal wife is hardly relegated to the role of the passive housewife: she is a businesswoman whose enterprise might be based on the home but she herself has direct contact with the merchants to whom she delivers her goods.
• Moreover, she is involved in investment and makes economic decisions regarding the use of her assets.
• Nor does she sound uneducated:
  “She opens her mouth with wisdom”.
• Even Ben Sira, in the last two lines quoted, makes it clear that she must be viewed as a real comrade and companion to the husband: she is not just an ornament or a sexual charm. A wife with her husband is better than a friend, or a comrade, and should be valued as such.

Not all the traditional sources say the same thing - they reflect different attitudes, held by different individuals, at different times. Ben Sira reads much more “traditionally” to a modern reader than the author of Proverbs. But it is noteworthy that the model adopted by the tradition - the one that the husbands sings before his wife, when he comes to praise her and describe the ideal - is indeed the model from Proverbs. Here the woman is a valued partner of a husband, playing a major part in the economics of the household, as well as taking charge of the other aspects of domestic life.