CHAPTER THREE - Adolescent Issues and Coming-of-Age Ceremonies

C: EDUCATIONAL ACTIVITIES

35. Ostentation– The Great Bar/Bat Mitzvah Question

An hour and a half.
Type: From life experience to analysis and values, using role play

• Ask the group to recall a recent Bar or Bat Mitzvah which they attended. Make a list of the factors that they mention, as they come up.
• Presumably the word “party” will be mentioned in all reminiscences.
  • Take the word and focus on it: Ask why the idea of a “party” is found centrally in all coming-of-age ceremony, in all cultures.
• Explain the idea of the Se’udah (please refer to the introductory section of this chapter).
• Ask members of the group to recall in as much detail as possible the party to which they went. Make a list of any elements that are mentioned in connection with the party.
• Ask the members of the group what makes a successful Bar or Bat Mitzvah party. Are there criteria for a successful Bar or Bat Mitzvah party? In pairs or small groups, the group should be given a few minutes to prepare the “best Bar/Bat Mitzvah party”.
• Bring the group together, share the ideas and clarify whether the idea of the Se'udah is included.
• Bring the following exchange of letters between the two girls, Sarah and Anne, which appeared in the “Jerusalem Report” of 1999.

  Dear Sarah,

  Bigger celebrations are not always bad. Being a religious Jew doesn’t just mean celebrating Shabbat at home; sometimes it is done in the presence of a large congregation. Torah scroll covers are ornamented in rich and intricately hammered silver, out of respect for the value of the contents. The finest silver Kiddush cup doesn’t diminish the spirituality of Shabbat.

  I believe that a large and lavish Bar or Bat Mitzvah can not only add to the religious aspect of the ceremony, but complement Jewish tradition.

  The person who is becoming Bar or Bat Mitzvah should feel good about themselves and their religion. It’s also wonderful to celebrate such an occasion with all friends and family, not only close relatives.

  If the parents have the wherewithal, why shouldn’t they make it more special? The cost and the number of people can add pressure on the Bar or Bat Mitzvah, but is that in itself bad? The occasion celebrates a coming of age, an assumption of adult responsibilities. Dealing with pressure is part of that change.

  Anne Rubin

Dear Anne,

My Bat Mitzvah party was not formal or lavish. I invited only my close friends from school.

You can have a small, inexpensive celebration; the important thing is that close family and friends attend. If you have a huge party, that’s what is going to be on everyone’s mind, rather than the tradition. The main point of this simcha is for people to see the first time a child reads from the Torah, not the party.

And inviting too many people can also be a problem. The extra people might not know you as well and might not be respectful to what is going on during the service. I know that is true for me, because I go to a public school where most of the kids are not Jewish. So, it’s better to just invite the people who know you very well, and not the extras.

These huge celebrations add nothing to the experience.

Sarah Harvey

• Role Play:
  Divide the group into sub-groups.
  • Half the group should take Anne’s position and try to support it with as many arguments as possible.
  • The rest of the group should take Sarah’s position and do the same.
• The two groups come together to debate the issue, initially putting forward the positions that they developed in their groups and then, at a certain point, presenting their personal positions. The central issue should be:
  • Should the lavishness of Bar and Bat Mitzvah celebratory parties be limited, or not - and why?
• Develop this concept further:
  Explain to the group that in times past many communities decided to limit the lavishness of life-cycle celebrations, including Bar Mitzvah ceremonies. Among other reasons, this was done to help poorer families who might feel social pressure to spend more than their means allowed.
  • Discuss whether the Jewish community should limit the spending of the members on Bar and Bar Mitzvah celebrations.
• Role Play:
  Explain to the group that they are the leadership of a community who has decided to limit extravagant Bar and Bat Mitzvahs. Divide them into small groups: they are to come up with a five-point plan of criteria to limit spending and ideas on how they would make it acceptable to the community.
• Finally, in the framework of the whole group, compare notes. Try and come up with a group preference plan.
• Review:
  What are the guiding principles behind this plan and how do they relate to concepts addressed, the realities of community life and personal experience?