Chapter 1 - Preparing For Children: Life Questions

A: Background

4. Problems of parenthood - barrenness and difficult children in the Torah model

Countless proofs can be brought to show that having children is a great and positive value within Judaism. For example, it is notable that in the early patriarchal stories, there is a curse of barrenness that afflicts many of the central women protagonists. It is clearly seen as a most negative thing and all of the women try to overcome it. We have no models that glorify the state of barrenness or accept it easily. In fact, it is worth emphasizing that the ideal model for Jewish prayer is seen as the prayer of Hannah, the barren woman who longs for a son to the extent of extreme, seemingly drunken behavior at the shrine of Shiloh. Her prayer, according to the book of Samuel, results in the conception of the child Samuel. The model for heartfelt Jewish prayer is that of the barren woman longing for a child.

Interestingly, however, it has to be stated that Judaism is very realistic as far as what parents can expect from their children. Despite the fact that children are seen as Divinely ordained, there is no over-idealization of the result. This can once again be seen very clearly from the same family stories that fill the pages of Bereishit. In every generation of Abraham's family we encounter extreme forms of problematic behavior, sibling rivalry, jealousy, parental favoritism and plain juvenile manipulation of parents and siblings alike.

Later on in the Biblical books, and most especially in the David stories of Samuel and Kings, for example, we find reinforcement of the idea that children are a mixed blessing. David's children plot against their father to the point of rebellion (Avshalom in Second Samuel 15- 8), and exploit each other ruthlessly up to the point of sexual abuse and rape (Amnon and Tamar in Second Samuel 13). In addition, they plot against each other for succession to David's throne (Adonijah and Solomon in First Kings Ch.1). It is as if the model that is being drawn for the use of future generations is one that emphasizes the idea of having children but knows that there are many challenges and problems that may be encountered by the family that actually brings them up.